I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
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