Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
