Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
