This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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