Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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