she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
