he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
