I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
be right there i have to get my cape
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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