I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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