party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
