I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
