my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
