i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
