How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
That's when you crack a 10am beer
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
