My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
