Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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