The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
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I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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