dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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