I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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