Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
