So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
