I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
