No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
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I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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