what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
