between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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