I can tuck mytits in my pants
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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