I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
