so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
