I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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