you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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