Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago