He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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