I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
