we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize