kristin has been a bad kristin
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
