If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
