You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
