The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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