do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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