my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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