Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
