Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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