It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize