I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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