One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
