Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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