at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
