Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
