so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
