Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
