dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
