I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
