He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
