Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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