i wish my penis had a tongue
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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