i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
