what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
