She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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