NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
