5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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