checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
