So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
