I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I didn't notice because vodka
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
this is an emotional support booty call
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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