I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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