Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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